penniless

I checked my bank account one day and found that I had no money. I didn’t have a job, a girlfriend, or a left eyelid either. My cousin had just gotten engaged to a Wall Street troll, my best friend had just given birth to her eleventh baby and my sister was in Siberia. Dad was a kitchen appliance and mom was a rollercoaster. I had pets but they were all ghosts. I was beautiful but oddly proportioned. My grandmother said I had a good heart, but I knew I was really terribly selfish. My ambitions were ordinary, my thoughts decrepit and I couldn’t give a damn. I was happy because I knew that one day someone would bake me a sugar cake, and I would have to gall to eat every last crumb before the poison killed me. I wouldn’t share one bite.